Oh, there we go. Hello everyone. It’s 2019, and… a bit past a year since I’ve written anything on here, huh? It’s been almost a couple of years since this post right here, where I attempted to move forward the best I could. I certainly had plans to put forth into action, but after everything, depression had very different plans for me for half of 2017 and all of 2018. Painful and unfortunate plans, sadly. As a heads up, this is going to be quite personal with my feelings on some events that happened, plus depression, so if that ain’t your thing, there’s that warning for you.
Layoffs are never a good thing, and it changes people’s lives dramatically both in a physical and emotional sense. Some folks are able to find new jobs ASAP (a miracle, if you ask me), some struggle before they find anything, and some just never really end up striking anything that sticks and it goes into and endless and miserable cycle of self-worth. If you had to take a guess, half of 2017 and part of 2018, I was at the last bit I just said. I was fortunate to have people who extended their hand with opportunities, but those just never ended up sticking that well; I ended up not being a good fit for those. I did learn many things that I can use in the future, which is always a plus, but those things did not save my financial stability or my state of mind, unfortunately.
Late 2017 going into 2018, I joined a friend’s group to work on some really cool stuff to release, and I was beyond psyched! “Surely, this will be just the thing to pan out for me this time!”, I foolishly thought. What awaited me was anything but good. I laid out some of the groundwork for the group to get stuff released, provided advising, set up PR stuff, designed newsletters and even a website. I was getting a lot of stuff done, but…wait a sec… why wasn’t it paying? The demand for my presence, but zero pay for it, and then their distaste when I wasn’t always around because I was taking care of my other side job that actually paid me some cash… it wasn’t right, was it? Talk of crowdfunding for pay was brought up, but that would only be good if it succeeded, so I aimed to help plan for the best possible campaign possible. But what of the work that was being done at the moment? I never really got an answer for that. I joined because I was excited, but I also joined because I wanted to get paid while doing work, which wasn’t what I was getting. I was worried, but I ignored it. Why oh why did I ignore it? Most often, your first hunch is correct, so why didn’t I listen?
I wanted to believe, I think that’s what it was. I wanted to believe that I’d make it with this particular gig. Oh man… it did not work out…! As I kept spending more time with the job that paid me, I got an earful from my friend, saying that I wasn’t pulling my weight, despite all the stuff I already did for the group and then some. After a short argument, that was the last time I ever really heard from that friend. They never understood the situation I was currently in financially and what it did to my state of mind, or the fact that I couldn’t just simply work for free. Passion is great and all, but it shouldn’t be something a company or group—no matter how small it is, and no matter if it’s a group with close friends—should take advantage of. Passion projects, crunch culture and all that has burned me badly before, and I wasn’t about to let it burn me some more. Except it did in an unexpected way. It became impossible to work together, so I stated I was to withdraw myself from the group, and I demanded to be paid for my work, which took quite awhile. “You’re too professional,” and “Indie groups don’t work for pay,” were said to me. Confusing, right? How does one make something out of nothing? If indie groups didn’t seek out money for their projects as they said, why were they making a crowdfunding project? Why did they seek to make a top quality product for people to buy? To get PAID. Needless to say, I got paid. It wasn’t much, but I got paid.
Following my departure, I never heard from that friend ever again. Our friendship of years amounted to this. I’ll never know exactly what prompted that blowup that led to us being unable to work together. Only guesses could be made, like how before that situation blew up, I confided in them a lot regarding my depression and the prior events that happened to fuel that depression. Did I confide too much in them and they just couldn’t handle it anymore? Quite possible. But I’ll never know. I will say that it’s incredibly painful when people don’t want to understand mental illness and what it does to people, especially when those people happened to be your friends. Thoughts of “Why did I even bother with this,” and “I regret moving for a job that amounted to nothing” swirled in my head over and over. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating and the more I asked for help, the more people drifted away, tired of hearing of my pleas and cries for help. Yes, this included friends. Well, people I thought were “friends.” “Positive vibes only,” am I right? Every few days, a new person would distance themselves from me, and I honestly felt like I shouldn’t even be here anymore. A dangerous thought, yes.
Streaming was a thing that actually saved me; it took my mind off the turmoil going on in my head and I got to play pretty cool games, and I got to meet some new folks I keep in touch with now. It was a bit healing, but of course, it wasn’t enough or what I needed. When I wasn’t playing anything, I still didn’t sleep or eat much. I kept tirelessly applying to as many places as I could, but most of the replies I’d gotten back wanted me to move cross-country again for the jobs. I had all the qualifications, but I was at the wrong place, once more. And we all know there was no way I could move all over again because I had zero dime to do that with! As I gave up trying to hone my crafts I’ve learned in the past few years with new jobs that would take me where I wanted, I saw one particular tweet asking for writers for a possible job. Writing’s always been a strong point of mine, so I thought “Why the heck not?” and blindly applied.
And then I found myself writing social media videos scripts for Ellation. To be honest, the time I spent working and cranking those scripts out in 2018 felt like they weren’t even real. Depression is kinda weird like that, huh? The positive response to all the work I did felt like a dream; I just did everything and anything I could to just be HERE, and it was working? Wow, unreal… I moved up to be a Features writer, and I cranked a ton of pretty neat articles on Crunchyroll that I’m proud to have out there in the wild for people to read. I got the chance to interview some amazing people I never thought I’d get to talk to and write about the coolest stuff in the world: anime and video games! I also have the best peers I could ever ask for, and I’ve gotten the privilege to getting to know some of wickedly talented writers. I’m really looking forward to working my magic into my work, and I hope that you’ll be looking forward to it!
Between my job, streaming and the never-ending support I got from my partner and close friends, I’m happy and glad to say: I’m still here. I’m here I won’t be going anywhere. It’s still tough to say that, though, because depression is such a pesky and persistent thing. There’s still some sleepless nights, and getting my diet back on track has taken some work. At some point this year, I will be finally taking some time to properly get the help I’ve needed for awhile now, but I was too scared to get. But needless to say, I am here… I am here! ✨
With that being said, this means that this blog will be fully active again. Exciting, right? “But Elly, that’s what you said last time, and–,” yeah, yeah, I get it. But this time it’s going to be different. There’s going to be some changes around here. None bad, I assure you! This blog started as a figure blog, and then it evolved into an otome game blog. It’s about to take on another evolution. Figuratively Speaking will not just be dedicated to otome games, but it will also be dedicated to other hobbies I pursue: figures, plush collecting, anime, video games, streaming, heck, even Kbeauty/skincare stuff! There’s going to be more of a variety in content, and that means there will be a lot more content with a lot more frequency. So, yes, I won’t just post this and then poof away for a year, got it?
To take a page from the end of this post I did back in 2017, I know there will be some questions, so might as well answer ’em, yeah?
“Are you going to continue playing and writing about otome games?”
I took off last year from playing otome games, so I haven’t played ANY of last year’s releases. I want to play those at some point this year and give my thoughts on them either on both here and Twitter, so you’ll be hearing from me about last year’s releases. I’m gonna make a master list on games I plan to get and play, so if you’ve got any suggestions at all, drop me a line in the comments or on Twitter or anywhere you can reach me!
“What about the events that were ongoing last year? Are you planning any new ones?”
Yeah, that Otomania 2017 event is long dead, but maybe I’ll revive it for either this or next year. I feel really bad about that, because people were excited about it, and we got to talking about our fave games and all. Sorry about that, everyone. But! I do have some giveaways already planned for this year and I already got two very cool prizes, one being of great interest to otome game fans who still have a PSP… 👀 I’ll be starting one in the coming months, so keep an eye out for it when it starts!
“Is Tokimeki Radio ever coming back?”
Nope. Whereas Otomania will be revived at some point, the podcast has been buried deep without any chance of resurfacing. I did enjoy the episodes that I recorded, and it was a blast discovering new games and meeting new people through it. Thank you for listening; I appreciate it from the depths of my soul! I’d love to team up with folks and do podcasts again at some point in the future though, but for now, streaming is going to be my main thing along with this blog.
“What’s your streaming schedule?”
Haha, this is a tough one, because it’s been so sporadic lately! Don’t have a 100% set in stone schedule, but so far it’s Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights at around 9-ish PM EST. Always “ish” because I have no idea how much I’ll need to get done in my day and, since I’m not really living at my own place yet, there are things out of my control that I have to attend to. I’ll always announce when I’m going live on Twitter and on my Discord server, so you’ll always be in the know when I’m gonna be messing around in Yakuza or some other random game. Oh yeah, Yakuza is GOOD and y’all should play it. Also, Majima is best boy. But yeah, you can follow my Twitch channel to be notified when I’m live.
“Are you going to be at any events and conventions?”
Yes! So far, I’ll be at Anime Expo and Crunchyroll Expo this year. CEOtaku as well! This might change as the year goes on, but so far, it’ll be just those.
“Okay, you say you’re going to be posting more, but when’s your next post gonna be?”
Oh, so you think I won’t hold my end of the bargain? How about this: there’s going to be a new post TOMORROW! *GASP* I told you it was for realsies this time, didn’t I? 😜
But yeah, that about does it for this particular post. It was weird to write, that’s for sure. But it felt good to get it out of my system. Here’s to new beginnings. And here’s to new video games, anime, streams, and, of course, hot guys in otome games.
Until next time!
Figuratively Speaking 